time spent aware before birth 9/28/16

delivered from the missionary position

forget about female organism

sort of bombardier to copilot

target dutifully agreed upon was for a girl

but not an exact science was involved

religious overtones prohibited other alternatives

it was then immediately slept upon

and I choose my parents?

a wisdom that would catch up with me decades later

envisioning of the gene pool lottery

traveled fast as a sperm, it seems

didn’t know for myself, at the time 3^rd child options

felt a kind of sanctuary in keeping

sort of ampy in a ever-growing kind of way

not real reality tapped in until 4 or 5 months in the womb

initially didn’t have names for anything

but felt all kinds of influences, some energetically

was introduced to prayer by emotional absentia

sensed eventually that devotion was a cover up

and some degree of apprehension in the surround

as outside influences that were distracting to my keeper

by month 7, not that I was counting then,

could feel for emotional forces at work

could hear beyond the obvious drumming and flows

erratic sounds of varied loudness

but also tension response to what came to be conversation

exchanges to and fro, registered as tightness or pressures

not a world of complete thoughts but feelings and detection

meaning with no language but energetically happening

bounding within and fluid not knowing of myself for then

was struck down on occasions with reactions around me

compression apprehension but untranslatable for then

at just about the start of the ninth month,

a remark was made to my then to be mother

it was strong in reaction and duly noted.

it took me years of living experience to translate

but it came as energy first and foremost

then translated into understanding that made total sense

my then to be oldest brother who was eleven at the time

said to my mom, very directly,

that he could take care of his younger brother, not me

but another brother who was 6 at that time

and that she not really needed!

the impact on my host was overwhelming

once again it took me years to decipher and decode

but she heard it as true coming from him

and as I much later discovered, he basically disliked her

from about his age of three onward

didn’t know why until many decades later

he finally told me his buried truth of distain

when he was 3, she slapped him hard in the bathtub

and he went out, sort of unconscious

and the trust game was over for him

to note: my mom was a slapper by nature

a kind of turrets syndrome kind of thing

probably from her own upbringing under immigrant parents

a very verbal person but prone to emotional upheaval

and then boom, a slap would be delivered

of course he never got slapped again by his own prudence

he was very analytical by nature

actually extremely analytical as it played out in his life

me, little did I know then how many times

I would feature that hand addressing me!

but then I seemed built for it as no big deal

but the fact that that remark so affected me inside her

was amazing when once discovered and the cause

look, my mom should have been a nun

but being a mother of three boys was her cover for being

and a justification for her existence to herself

of course, I discovered that later also

I just had the in vitro experience energetically as affect

my sense was I was very energetic in the womb

to the point of physical agitation to my mom, constantly

and the last big thing that happened

actually happened during birth

mom’s on the table, I am crowning,

the doctor is a neighbor that they have known

for all three boy’s births

he is kind of a ducks in row kind of doctor

and my mom is totally phased out,

gone from the scene by then

the doctor is agitated and tries to get her attention verbally

first tries are yielding nothing in response

as he raises his tone and loudness, and says

Mary, Mary, (mom’s first name,) Mary

I want you to take a deep breath and push

I want you to push, (I suspect I am paraphrasing)

but what I do now know first hand is this,

I was crowning and he had his hand touching me

I guess I had stalled and he wanted her attention

and effort towards birthing me, soon

And what happen right then that took me

several decades to connect was,

that he was privately pissed at her for spacing out

and his ego and professional status was in play

and he wanted some active conscious support from her

forthcoming for right then.

Now what I discovered was that I felt the energy in his arm 

at the time but didn’t know what it consciously meant

it was strong and definite and impactful on me

and what it was, was anger and frustration with her

for disappearing so thoroughly in the birthing process

eventually I learned about anger

and the energetic experience of it

and was able to place that style of it

from my birth experience

it was not a natural anger style for me

but it was curiously so

since he was a close neighbor, I came to know him well

and was able to place him as the source of that feeling

so still speaking of my imminent but before birth time

I also gathered in what happened to my mom

during that space-out time in the birthing process

they obvious gave her something to ease the experience

but also she went of her own accord, away, far away

to a sacred energetic place in her distant memory

I identified it as convent in France from lifetimes ago

she was consumed and comfortable there during the birth

of course, I only discovered that decades later

in studying her, her life, her secrets, her manner of being

like I said she should have been a nun

she was Catholic from childhood going forward,

went to mass at least 5 days a week forever

loved the nuns most ardently so,

and the other major factor for her absence, was me

I was straight up antithetical to her nature and not a girl!

I was trouble from the get go and it was only the beginning

so, time spent before birth, for me was very rich

and eventually rewarding

I have no regrets and now understand the blessedness

that I did not understand at that time

in fact, I took me decades to truly comprehend

and feel blessed by those circumstance as there were

all very energetically rich and beneficial even though

not originally comprehended at that time

time spent before birth was an ordination of sorts

reality since, is a bit of round about

where all parties play their roles

even if into the now, unconsciously so.