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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

time spent aware before birth 9/28/16

delivered from the missionary position
forget about female organism
sort of bombardier to copilot
target dutifully agreed upon was for a girl
but not an exact science was involved
religious overtones prohibited other alternatives
it was then immediately slept upon
and I choose my parents?
a wisdom that would catch up with me decades later
envisioning of the gene pool lottery
traveled fast as a sperm, it seems
didn’t know for myself, at the time 3rd child options
felt a kind of sanctuary in keeping
sort of ampy in a ever-growing kind of way
not real reality tapped in until 4 or 5 months in the womb
initially didn’t have names for anything
but felt all kinds of influences, some energetically
was introduced to prayer by emotional absentia
sensed eventually that devotion was a cover up
and some degree of apprehension in the surround
as outside influences that were distracting to my keeper
by month 7, not that I was counting then,
could feel for emotional forces at work
could hear beyond the obvious drumming and flows
erratic sounds of varied loudness
but also tension response to what came to be conversation
exchanges to and fro, registered as tightness or pressures
not a world of complete thoughts but feelings and detection
meaning with no language but energetically happening
bounding within and fluid not knowing of myself for then
was struck down on occasions with reactions around me
compression apprehension but untranslatable for then
at just about the start of the ninth month,
a remark was made to my then to be mother
it was strong in reaction and duly noted.
it took me years of living experience to translate
but it came as energy first and foremost
then translated into understanding that made total sense
my then to be oldest brother who was eleven at the time
said to my mom, very directly,
that he could take care of his younger brother, not me
but another brother who was 6 at that time
and that she not really needed!
the impact on my host was overwhelming
once again it took me years to decipher and decode
but she heard it as true coming from him
and as I much later discovered, he basically disliked her
from about his age of three onward
didn’t know why until many decades later
he finally told me his buried truth of distain
when he was 3, she slapped him hard in the bathtub
and he went out, sort of unconscious
and the trust game was over for him
to note: my mom was a slapper by nature
a kind of turrets syndrome kind of thing
probably from her own upbringing under immigrant parents
a very verbal person but prone to emotional upheaval
and then boom, a slap would be delivered
of course he never got slapped again by his own prudence
he was very analytical by nature
actually extremely analytical as it played out in his life
me, little did I know then how many times
I would feature that hand addressing me!
but then I seemed built for it as no big deal
but the fact that that remark so affected me inside her
was amazing when once discovered and the cause
look, my mom should have been a nun
but being a mother of three boys was her cover for being
and a justification for her existence to herself
of course, I discovered that later also
I just had the in vitro experience energetically as affect
my sense was I was very energetic in the womb
to the point of physical agitation to my mom, constantly
and the last big thing that happened
actually happened during birth
mom’s on the table, I am crowning,
the doctor is a neighbor that they have known
for all three boy’s births
he is kind of a ducks in row kind of doctor
and my mom is totally phased out,
gone from the scene by then
the doctor is agitated and tries to get her attention verbally
first tries are yielding nothing in response
as he raises his tone and loudness, and says
Mary, Mary, (mom’s first name,) Mary
I want you to take a deep breath and push
I want you to push, (I suspect I am paraphrasing)
but what I do now know first hand is this,
I was crowning and he had his hand touching me
I guess I had stalled and he wanted her attention
and effort towards birthing me, soon
And what happen right then that took me
several decades to connect was,
that he was privately pissed at her for spacing out
and his ego and professional status was in play
and he wanted some active conscious support from her
forthcoming for right then.
Now what I discovered was that I felt the energy in his arm 
at the time but didn’t know what it consciously meant
it was strong and definite and impactful on me
and what it was, was anger and frustration with her
for disappearing so thoroughly in the birthing process
eventually I learned about anger
and the energetic experience of it
and was able to place that style of it
from my birth experience
it was not a natural anger style for me
but it was curiously so
since he was a close neighbor, I came to know him well
and was able to place him as the source of that feeling
so still speaking of my imminent but before birth time
I also gathered in what happened to my mom
during that space-out time in the birthing process
they obvious gave her something to ease the experience
but also she went of her own accord, away, far away
to a sacred energetic place in her distant memory
I identified it as convent in France from lifetimes ago
she was consumed and comfortable there during the birth
of course, I only discovered that decades later
in studying her, her life, her secrets, her manner of being
like I said she should have been a nun
she was Catholic from childhood going forward,
went to mass at least 5 days a week forever
loved the nuns most ardently so,
and the other major factor for her absence, was me
I was straight up antithetical to her nature and not a girl!
I was trouble from the get go and it was only the beginning
so, time spent before birth, for me was very rich
and eventually rewarding
I have no regrets and now understand the blessedness
that I did not understand at that time
in fact, I took me decades to truly comprehend
and feel blessed by those circumstance as there were
all very energetically rich and beneficial even though
not originally comprehended at that time
time spent before birth was an ordination of sorts
reality since, is a bit of round about
where all parties play their roles
even if into the now, unconsciously so.

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