was worried 3/18/17

I’m recently trying to make a working model

of how my brain should acceptably work.

I’d test run it on reality terms,

nothing personal for then but viewership stories.

once in a while, on reality T.V. scenarios.

eventually I got bolder than in the past

and directly took on a sense of my self.

it wasn’t like riding a bicycle for the first time,

slightly edgy but actually I came to feel for balance.

new topics are weird in the beginning.

previously unexperienced feelings are more a challenge.

beliefs should have seemed straightforward but then

thinking about them directly, at that time

was way more of a challenge then just assumption.

but I got through those situations okay.

and then I got really bold and took on the election.

not so much the local stuff but more so, on the presidency.

gees, that’s like getting on a bus, where everybody farted.

I mean, what could I do?

what could I safely ask?

like where did you last eat

or who does the cooking for you?

it really wasn’t about ideologies at all.

any topic was just an excuse.

a personal chauffeur to provide for some level of venting.

forget brain balance, that is just for kids.

this was more about, where do you hurl talk from

and is my listening supposed to take me there?

I was hard pressed to rally, support or adventure.

I did think of it then as like ice skating on a lake

but feelings were more like being the water

beneath that frozen lake surface of speech,

as in, not directly accessible in the moment.

in this election, the muted lake spoke

while everybody apparently skated.

I guess, in my mind, I will have to wait for the thaw.

I now know I need to consider the lake when I think.

it seems my life has been a winter of mentality

and now I realize, I really want to swim in the lake.

and so it is deep breaths, full cycles,

and patience of perspectives.

life is a full massage of seasons.

so I can calm down, be aware of what I feel

and think from a larger and deeper frame

then struggle, survive, stress, and sex.

what a species,

and I was worried about myself . . .