I’m recently trying to make a working model
of how my brain should acceptably work.
I’d test run it on reality terms,
nothing personal for then but viewership stories.
once in a while, on reality T.V. scenarios.
eventually I got bolder than in the past
and directly took on a sense of my self.
it wasn’t like riding a bicycle for the first time,
slightly edgy but actually I came to feel for balance.
new topics are weird in the beginning.
previously unexperienced feelings are more a challenge.
beliefs should have seemed straightforward but then
thinking about them directly, at that time
was way more of a challenge then just assumption.
but I got through those situations okay.
and then I got really bold and took on the election.
not so much the local stuff but more so, on the presidency.
gees, that’s like getting on a bus, where everybody farted.
I mean, what could I do?
what could I safely ask?
like where did you last eat
or who does the cooking for you?
it really wasn’t about ideologies at all.
any topic was just an excuse.
a personal chauffeur to provide for some level of venting.
forget brain balance, that is just for kids.
this was more about, where do you hurl talk from
and is my listening supposed to take me there?
I was hard pressed to rally, support or adventure.
I did think of it then as like ice skating on a lake
but feelings were more like being the water
beneath that frozen lake surface of speech,
as in, not directly accessible in the moment.
in this election, the muted lake spoke
while everybody apparently skated.
I guess, in my mind, I will have to wait for the thaw.
I now know I need to consider the lake when I think.
it seems my life has been a winter of mentality
and now I realize, I really want to swim in the lake.
and so it is deep breaths, full cycles,
and patience of perspectives.
life is a full massage of seasons.
so I can calm down, be aware of what I feel
and think from a larger and deeper frame
then struggle, survive, stress, and sex.
what a species,
and I was worried about myself . . .