sure, I had sex with you,
both real and imaginary.
I wanted to swallow the saliva of intimacy,
not for the indulgence
or for the pleasure,
or for the release of hormonal drive.
I wanted, through that hall of mirrors,
the seduction of trust offered and exchanged,
the glitches to self love, realized and released.
I wanted access to the hotbed of embers from being,
for that which exists before, during and after,
the statement of person and this act-out called living.
I wanted from where spirit exists,
where that is which rises and falls
to the rhythm of life after life
through those mediums of personage and circumstance,
beyond where petals of past lives
have provided and now, fallen,
to the bloom of spirit
up from the rootedness of soul.
I wanted the whole picture cleared
before it ran off into stories, individually told.
I wanted that one sound that we all essentially are
coming from you, through you,
as you are, the all of us, as that oneness,
and for me to then realize, to sacredly realize.
sure I had sex with you
as if it were a method of breathing in the divine
but in no way was it an act.
I am not sure it was an action,
maybe a compulsion on my part to ask of you,
to ask through you,
to even disrobe from the distance needed to be asking
and be of you as you are of me.
even so, wanted to be beyond the act-out,
the metaphor, the literal,
the figurative, the experience, the draw,
the pursuit of emersion, or memory taken to heart.
to be before mass, our mass, has resemblance or carriage.
I wanted the full emptiness of a wisdom
to embrace the all by being from within it.
I wanted the within,
without the glimpses that experience offers.
I wanted the endless pouring of giving and passage
as if the universe passes through us undefined.
so much so, that there is no more the burden of being
as if separate and undisclosed,
no more next moments, for finding the smile of time
no more the lapses into experience upstage presenting.
I wanted no more gender,
not human as the divide.
I wanted my lips sealed,
as the last savage utterance cast,
my self dismissed,
as any sense or sensibility of need,
to be combustibly whole.
I wanted the before, measure had an existence,
before oneness had dignity and composure.
I wanted the wormhole of yearning to ignite,
senses dismissed, self sense discharged,
spirit without distinction or boundary,
soul as the one breath of all.
and you thought I just loved you
and not through you to beyond the all . . .