I have this specific emotional tattoo,
like one of many, as if we all don’t,
that is placed so centrally
that when I look at the disappointment of myself
in a mirror and then am prone to close my eyes,
it is then that I see it
on the backside of my eyelids,
looking at me looking at it.
the image is really only an oppressing feeling
that displays with certainty.
not sure how I got it but I do know when
and believe it or not, it was self administered to boot!
for a long time I thought it
was some sort of seduction result,
situational, stupid of me, dues to be paid
by living life in a naive fashion.
but I have come to know that is not so.
I made it indelible of my own accord.
a lesson to be reminded by and mindful of,
less I venture into that place in me again, as never again.
that place, was the richest, purest, place of my being
that I have ever been from within.
It was unworldly by comparison to the rest of my life.
From there I was complete, fulfilled,
undo destiny without effort or need.
I felt so timeless and fulfilling to be.
Yet to share seemed like a necessity.
When I was inwardly there,
no matter my external circumstance,
people would marvel and plead with me to be near.
I brought joy to their lives
by somehow a standalone innocence from within me.
I did not know.
I was just me.
After many years of reflection and struggle,
I came to realize that I gave away the essence of me
to be received and the enjoyment for others.
I had this wealth to share
but not to give it away.
I fell into a bind of understanding and conviction
that I would use against myself in time.
I became the product of adoration and appreciation
in my own mind to myself.
I became separate from my gifts
and a manager of my deeds.
For this method was to self deceive.
I became a slave to the attention from others.
it seemed ever so easy at that time.
as a way of life that seemed like a lighted path
that others, out of appreciation, would provide.
I was contractual as with friends.
Then I fell in love it seems with one adoring soul.
we were, it appeared, of a mutual presence with each other.
A sort of magic to magic with the world in surround.
unbeknownst to me, in a soul ceremony,
I gave my essence in secret away to this other.
I told no one else.
I certainly didn’t tell myself first hand.
it just happened in an ongoing style of being.
that day I unwillingly lost my way,
my footing, my deeper sense of self
and then self to share in some sort of impression as bond.
on that road, a later day did come.
an emotional day, when I was trapdoor dismissed
of my being, resounding and of delight.
I discovered the prop-dom of my display,
the leverage of worth to others,
and the complete collapse of my emotional heaven of earth.
there was the death
of the endless sunrise of me from within.
I feared for my identified existence as me.
I raised up an army from within.
I bolstered them with premises
of resistance, anger, and to-be-never-forgottens.
I was to save myself
by never again returning to myself as it was, ever again.
Instead I would be showy but guarded,
apparently pleasant but keen to observe.
I would muffle that source place from before
so that no one else directly could hear it ever clearly again.
Yes, it would not go away deep from within me,
but I would never allow myself to be it opening again either.
Thus this tattoo on the back of my eyelids
as a constant unassailable reminder.
No one actually dastardly did this to me.
I brought upon myself
as in the weave of my being me.
and now, upon further self inquiry and reflective discovery,
it is really up to me to live it, live back into it,
as the freedom of my being me.
So I have this emotional tattoo.
Gladly now, it does not ever go away
but it has come to represent to me,
as an admission, a lesson, a vision, a light.
It is steeped in innocence, perplexity, paradox, and insight.
I now live to be that light
but without fascination for the glow.
If it serves others,
it is their busyness in attendance, not my concern.
I am a stay-at-home of source in service to others
but not the mandate of them as audience.
Surely there will be others of the same light ignited
and we will bond accordingly but not by distraction.
everyone is blessed in this way
finding ways to be the light of themselves,
to then share in passing.
this is now the tattoo that sees me
then me, seeing to you.
where truth draws this line to never pass,
authenticity steps forward and goes on living . . .