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Friday, February 23, 2018

experience of the experiencer 2/23/18


the experience of the experiencer
and behind all that
what wide gaze would that take
not wide like 360
but deep-wide
as dimensions generally unrevealed
got to
so I get the feel and demeanor of experience
the preoccupation with highs and lows
the storyboard, the story line
and the reality production to fill the day
sure, there is a great sense to the highs
and a deeper sense to the lows
hoping they don’t compensate for each other
as a way of life
as in living for the highs to avoid the lows
what land of me creates that journey ongoing?
no not that,
I am now interested in the experiencer
more importantly, the sensory intake goes to where?
the animation fills what of me by my doing?
is this the payoff for expectations?
is this the formula for my happy state?
all of these reality techniques to fill my day
but who of me
sits somewhat behind this the experiencer.
there are remarks made occasionally from back there.
some sort of surmise
and sometimes cynical responses.
they, those that have voices
seem like more than one of me.
lots of viewpoints interjected into the ongoing
but not caring or caught-up in the obviousness.
it all seems like old hat to them,
like party fill-blah
or on the edge of boredom’s account of living.
sort of solemn
but also earnest and wishfully caring.
when I catch a remark from back there,
it does not start a dialogue.
I seem to be invisible
and yet constantly talked about.
I have to go there to hear them,
more of the time.
they are so seasoned at experience
that it is a given.
a yawner, a view beyond the worth of theme.
just shuffling along in character as contracted by others.
they don’t have much need for most of those people.
they come out in voice more
when I am alone and quiet.
not that the other doesn’t occur
but I am less attentive then.
so here we are
and I am onto their version of my living.
they have vested interest to leverage
for which I have discovered
by my drivenness to act out!
my sense of this
is a form of frustration turned into venting.
usually I can figure what and where
this has origin in me.
at some point
they are all disgruntled on my experience bus
they are all sort of reality buzzards
in search of a meal
rarely would they want a conversation outside of inner me
I feel safe about that
but I wanted more and deeper insight
these people as experiencers of me are platitudinous
they are just leaches and pirates readily at hand
I wanted even deeper of a view
I wanted to connect with the highflyers and the inspired
those places in me
that come out of nowhere to be present
they come to produce experience
from some place else
maybe even outside of time
but still get what’s going on
they are not on the take
but more causal in nature
they want for me to be or do
and move me accordingly
so where are they all from
and how do they know me?
there are no introductions
but it all is too a familiar given
they get me to act like me
but for them as me
maybe they are me
and this is a lifetime of discovery
anyways, back there experience has no frontal
it seems like a speeding conveyor belt without particulars
just all moving along and energetically happening
hard to experience in a traditional way
sort of like standing in a fast moving stream of water
and experiencing the water that hits me
but also aware of the water
going rapidly past around me
can’t use direct contact as my means of knowing
it’s kind of abstract
if I want to make it like it is here
but it so feels like home
without the head-trip to boot
it’s method is so foreign,
I don’t want to call it experience
maybe a knowingness without proof
but lots of feeling
when I am there
the time thing seems very useless, not real
I could be lifetimes in the making
and now, the presentation
little of it feels like input
but mostly it is coming out of me
I could say fantasy
but that is too confusing to claim
it is more like a wide scope on now
without time restraints
in some respects
not even the same person of me or personality
but still me in some deep and significant way
generally the experiencer gets suckered into a now context
and that’s all that matters
in a seen it done it been there way.
this is not like that
and not restrained in that kind of way
it is hard to be a person
with this sense of depth awareness
one could be crazy to bring it up in-mention terms
but behind the experience of the experiencer is happening
do we ever have permission
to dwell in awareness there?
doubt it, can’t say it is boring,
more questions than answers
it kind of sneaks up on you
if you are inclined that way
most would not give it a second thought
and not sure that thinking is really the way to go.
maybe it is a mind-fade of sorts
and a sneak-witness of self
either way, it is rich beyond what experience offers
even though the claim is
you are only experiencing anyway
I sense that far enough back there,
no words can account
you definitely have entry
if you can find the time
that exists outside of time . . .

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