the burnout of time-off 1/25/20

the burnout of time-off,

was that time spent aware and watching time-on (?),

with apprehensions and remembrances,

avoiding thought patterns 

that are needed to be extinguished immediately,

before they crept into being full blown.

of course, behavior has its tricks.

the cuing into amped up could come at any time

but then it would be in response to burn out,

not the burn-out feeling

but the recovery time spent avoiding it.

burnout is not an original source place of intention.

it is driven by the internal past in reaction.

at some point there is waisting away.

there are, were, wounds, of course,

within the mindset of avoidance and recovery.

where was this going to take one?

there was no original thought in that way to start.

and now of its own making,

it's the burnout of time off.

the itch and the amp want to have a life again.

not a crazy life 

but something breathable 

with full frontal life again.

got tired of depression's toes

sticking out from under the closed drapes,

fatigue from false nervousness over nothing.

at some point, when playing tag,

if nobody is ever going to tag you,

it's not fun any more.

invisibility has an itch to it,

but there is no satisfactory scratch

when inactivity has no arms of intention.

maybe there was a mania to being on

but this is listlessness as full bore,

as if chasing ghosts of memories.

and with a nervous system looking for action,

let me wear robust again.

I need booming and hearty.

vigorous could be just around the corner.

yes, maybe I get that it is not the busyness

but the source-point behind all of that.

find me the vigor switch

and let me turn that back on.

I need low-key throb and tremble

in my daily life again.

enthuse needs to be a daily input  

and reverence for the unexpected to resume.

burners on, churn me back into simmer . . .