unwanted thoughts 7/26/18

the miraculous work of unwanted thoughts,

yapping away at the back of the brain-bus.

loud enough for the brain driver to hear.

so much distance between them to overcome.

please, drive me to where the unthinkable goes.

why do these thoughts come 

that are so unmanageable?

wait, no wait!

who is the driver of this brain-bus to start with?

and why do we all go where this bus takes us?

is this the free ride to sanity? 

or to the town of positive thinking?

or are these apparently unsolicited thoughts 

doing this work to express oppressed feelings?

how did I get on this bus to I-don’t-know-where?

and what did I take with me as my baggage?

how do I address the person of me

who calls out in judgment, 

against these so-called “unwanted thoughts”?

who are they to me as from deeply within me?

did I ask for self-righteousness 

to be self-dialogue?

I always thought of myself as self-inquiry.

but now I am internally sided,

looking for cause and means at the same time.

self-judgment is haunting. 

and who are they of me to me?

this is ridiculous, 

as interior dialogues go.

yet necessary 

to gain a witness that lives to ride inside.

“unwanted” is judgment in override.

just want to think the thoughts 

and sense where they are sourced.

know of the author, well.

mind-read the mind that engenders as my self.

be of a curious find to live by.

I have said these things to myself, 

many, many times.

unwanted has become an inquisitive’s doorway, 

a floodlight turned on

in the darken hallways of order assumed.

go ahead, break my heart of convention

and also of conviction.

test me into expandedness.

have me come to know beyond knowing’s production.

I want a humble servant of a brain,

in service to my spirit 

as ever awareness offers.

unwanted thoughts maybe the unborn emotional me,

struggling in the womb of my being.

growing beyond what my telling myself offers.

the miracle of compassion starts within me as me,

to embrace beyond what my current believes,

to advance beyond my conclusion’s wake.

I am held back from beyond what I perceive,

but the heart of my heart listens for enormity . . .