religion is self in denial 11/18/19

religion is the essence of self in denial.

yet self is the god-with, withheld

and self-consciousness is a prison-life perspective.

while ego is a constant reminder of personal guilt

my expression is the intermittence of innocence.

while for me, living is the expression 

of a constant denial and the unsaidness of, 

‘it couldn’t be me’.

for living in a style of mental preoccupancy

keeps me from any awareness of spirit.

for I journey in a forest of my own creation,

following after a trail of breadcrumbs 

that represent my own self-worth.

this is where I pursue the human load-sharing 

by a constancy of interpersonal relevancies. 

where this forest does exist

is because I sense it to be so.

this is where the part of forest that I created, 

is mostly composed of all exposed bark,

and very rarely ever the experience of intimate bite.

this is where, the pretend becomes very real

and the real of itself, is beyond my recognition.

it seems that I am ill-equipped

to go beyond what reality-recognition offers,

while experience provides my preoccupation to exist.

this is where, thoughts without the capture of conclusions,

are personally and privately terrifying.

if there is a god-within,

then an absolute silence is maintained by me.

for if it is my cautious rigor to discover

and yet likewise simultaneously maintain

a constant innocence to that truth,

then nothing I say or do has any relevancy 

to that revelation in its private reveal.

for I can walk the talk that projects the denial

and live that truth in internal absentia settings.

for I can claim that I am the cuckold of my spirit

and not the reverse to be true for me

as the basis of our mutuality shared.

therefore exasperation is my prayer

of loneliness in its smoldering.

yet all my emotions are there, faithfully attending.

this is where destiny is despair, 

dealt one frame of mindful reference at a time

is in my hands, going forward.

while I call myself a believer

I still, privately wonder, why.

these tears that I have, from all this questioning, 

justify my false hopes

as the denial of god-within, justifies myself 

as my existence, that lingers.

like I’ve never said this to myself,

but physical densification for me,

is distraction from higher states.

and the truth of that 

would never embarrass itself

into manifest an existence 

through me, living it alive . . .