die as I must

Die as I must.

Words will come out of me

to break my fall.

Gravity will bend me.

Grief will hollow my stare.

I will discover

that I am not whole.

I will lean on you,

all of you

and invisibly grow.

What I compressed

into a meaningful life,

will gather more loosely

as myself I once knew.

Die as I must.

I had all of time

to follow your lead.

I pleaded then

for your love.

And now I know,

you loved me,

not for my plead.

I had expectations of you,

all of you in some way.

Now we meet,

outside of frame.

I had versions of you,

each of you,

I liked.

My versions

kept me from you.

Now I sadly bury my version,

while you all watch.

Die as I must.

Memories become maggots

from all of you on my mind.

Where I see your seeing me,

I can see

through you to your me.

I feel squeamish

and cornered,

not up to the pretend

of this going on.

Oh to be sure,

your laughter now

provides for you.

Die as I must,

but we do and will

all go on . . .