just trying to help

I couldn't repair your brakes

so I made your horn louder.

Well I couldn't really make your horn

that much louder,

so I changed the gears

so that your car would travel slower.

Well you high revved your engine,

and gunned it everywhere,

so doing that

didn't make you travel slower.

So I messed with the speedometer

so that it would look to you like

you were traveling faster.

Well I couldn't really jimmy

the speedometer that much,

so I got everybody,

I mean everybody,

to drive slower around you.

Well I couldn't exactly get everyone

to drive slower around you

so I got lots of people

to quit driving

when you were on the road.

But I couldn't exactly get everyone

to stop driving then

so I got the road flatten

everywhere, as much as possible,

very few hills and minor grades at that.

But I couldn't get all the roads

to be perfectly flat.

So I got the roads made wider

so that almost everywhere

as far as you could see

was a paved parking lot

for you to drive on.

But I couldn't really get

every piece of land

and cover it with asphalt.

So I made a holographic trainer car

and put you in it

while you were asleep.

And when you woke up,

you could drive just like normal

but nowhere really.

And then you, of course,

eventually wanted out of the car,

to go and eat.

So I ingeniously made

a holographic universe instead,

a duplicate in every way,

with roads to every where

and synthetic foods

and robotic folks

to greet you everywhere you went.

And then you went out

and rented “the Truman Show”!

You son of a bitch!

And I was just trying to help.