From e-mails exchanged:
(hers to me)
“I have to take growth hormone
the rest of my life
as well as all the other juices.”
(because I had my pituitary gland
removed several months ago)
“Now I have high blood pressure.
I am getting tired.
When I wrote this I was at the lowest
I have felt in ever.
I guess I needed to express this anyway
from the past
and I know you keep your sword
and shield handy.
No excuses for me though.
I know it does not make sense.”
(my response)
“Please tell me
you don’t have the last word,
but words that last.
I believe in you
but I don’t believe in believing
because it is self-conscious.
How are you with trust?”
(her response)
“I guess there is none.”
(and so I wrote)
When you part with the master gland
I guess you could call that an initiation.
You will now have plenty of chances
to use your physical situation
to allow you a freedom.
Pain will lead the choir.
Focus will provide the song.
Me thinks it is a solo performance
sung to the world from deep inside,
from a residence
that no more is the murmur.
It will require paradoxical pretends
to convert from reality pretends to spirit.
Much is done solemnly alone within.
It may appear no one is listening.
It may not even be their song.
They may not know the lyrics at all
but the discipline is a sweet silence
sung loudly within
until you are cleansed and free.
There are no breaks,
only forward with wholeness.
Consume yourself
and all your methods from the past.
This is very inwardly creative of being.
The medical model can only stand
at the door.
You will dissolve the room.
A light will come
that eliminates the shadow of judgment.
Your lover is your process.
There is no excess in this dance.
Your body becomes a perfume
of pain embraced
at all levels, all nuances,
that play in the orchestra of your senses.
Awareness reweaves itself towards light.
You are not allowed the baggage
of opinion
or the weight of self-judgment.
The life of spirit will come through you
as you make room
for all to pass from within.
It is a challenge
but only in the beginning
when all seems to be a bother.
Once you are dedicated,
you ignite and
the world of contradictions diminishes
as your spirit ever soars.
Aloneness has invited you.
Expansion will become your inner voice.
You have the knowledge to transcend.
Very distant memory
beacons your prayer of attention.
Inspiration comes oddly wrapped.
Peal away the pain with zeal.
Vibrate brightly from within.
The fuel is disguised
but the furnace is functional.
Leave no crumbs for others
but penetrate their dreams
with sightings
from where you have come.
You are now becoming full time.
Time has no seams.
What breath is
shows you the way.
Traditional experience is a barking dog
in a rear view mirror disappearing.
The self of you
that dwells in the self of others
becomes you.
Nothing need be given in exchange.
Incantate what they call pain
as the jewel is being . . . polished.
Go forward and take what others
can see of themselves within you,
the rest will follow your teaching.
The joyless joy will free you from time.
Your concerns for others
are all Trojan horses
of spiritual enterprise.
Meaning well is not an option,
you are and then some.
Suddenness in syrup jumps up
to catch your attention.
Drums are played loudly around you
for others.
Eventually you will let them see
on their own terms . . .
the essential you.
All of paradox becomes the wick.
You have ignited.
There is plenty of oxygen
in the room of your being.
Consume it towards this cause.
Illusions aside,
let what comes take you higher.
The love you are
has no naming to do . . .
Just be . . .
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