some 20 years later after leaving)
there has been no recovery
or release from the earlier then.
I have realized
her limitations to interact,
having more of a sense
of her internal means.
She has handled me
as another death around her.
Most every reference
to others in her life
is as a medical description.
We had amazing familiarity
over vast distances
of little shared meaning.
We are comfortable of being
but no common ground.
I am more penetrative now
into her life history
and her tragic circumstances.
Didn’t know if my parents
were ever really married.
Realized she had no clue
as to me for then or now.
Her most outstanding response
after a week of hanging out
was for her to ask,
“now you don’t deal drugs do you?”
which I found to be
instantaneously comical
but truly sincere on her part.
At that point
I was forty ‘something’
and she meant well.
She prayed a lot
from both a fearful
yet righteous place
within her means.
I was captivated
and stunned at the time
to realize these as some
of her basic life themes:
death is always around her
as abandonment,
her usage of religious relief,
poor-mouthing as a self account,
loving with
limited love-giving skills,
rigidly defined perceptual means,
apparently friendly
but primarily bound
to be very private of means.
I felt compelled
and complete to leave
though not empty
but filled with psychic subterfuge.
The message for me was,
“give pure love, no waiting”
for there is/was no dialogue
to unfold
or any deep mystery
right at hand.
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