behavior is my songbook

I have my behavior as a second language.

I use my body as speech spoken.

it's complex to decode,

sometimes even for me.

I know I am saying something

that I am speaking from deep within.

but oftentimes,

I don't understand what I am saying.

but I know it's complex

and irrationally true for me to say.

in this, life is a constant dialogue.

living is from mumbling

to outright loud launches.

I even talk in my sleep.

many times I even wonder if I am listening.

I doubt I have the songbook.

clearly misplaced the directions for usage.

can't decide, 

if I am a keeper or a throwaway.

memory feels like an ongoing harassment 

with occasional courtesy service self supplied. 

if there is labeling available,

looking in a mirror of life

makes it read backwards and somewhat confusing.

there is truth coming out of me,

but the context and appropriate application

seem wildly strange, ponderous

and possibly endearing.

all I seem to do is ad-lib a projection,

while I personally and privately work on a decode.

there is somewhat of jabber.

once in a while clear lines I relate to.

behavior-speak is like a bulletin board of sorts.

somethings there are current,

others are dated and some seem futuristic.

I often read the posts.

try to ask the poster questions,

more deeply of my concerns.

it's all very introverted to start with,

but body-speak seems unending.

there is not a second that goes by,

that I am not the broadcast happening.

I try to learn from others,

their speak to mine,

their say to mine, 

as if in harmony.

occasionally, same songbook,

but often different pages, 

really different songs.

I have tried self-accompaniment,

with mood and verbals that align.

it sort of works,

at least for the shared chorus parts.

otherwise, I am singing to the breeze.

at times I am envious of trees.

well, particularly in a forest setting.  

because, even in a breeze condition,

their roots still talk to each other,

share in their commonness,

care beyond what appears evident.

not sure that is happening amongst humans.

we do constantly chatter.

maybe it's all in a mega-song

that I can't fully comprehend.

somewhere within,

I am a songbook being sung.

don't know the song or the lyrics 

from cover to cover.

I'm just a page turn, 

from the next moment's lyrics and voice.

all I know is, 

that I don't sing the same song twice.

and that I really like,

well really love, 

when I get to sing the chorus

along with others . . .