vaguely present

I am free falling through time

breaking open feelings from the past

to give them

a fresh sense of internal existence within me

holding the searchlight on

for thoughts that lift me up

on high alert

some force keeps this all together for me

outside my own sense of wellbeing

I feel buoyantly embraced for then

otherwise I am scattered parts 

of a whole to myself

not lost but otherwise floaty

and vaguely present 

for the way I want to be

it's like I am almost in tears

about something I can't remember what

it's a feeling without a rational context 

to ground it

it's stronger than a tease

but not outright apprehension or anguish

I feel at times like a helium ballon

that lost the string of connection 

and am on the fall back to earth stage 

of existence

listless in the wandering sense 

but still ever so slowly 

a downer

not really free sky in all directions

no wind in real personal dialogue with me

not chasing after, any more 

just shooting the breeze without real intent 

or direction in mind

incentives would be nice

but some part of me knows the limits of that

a deep register of me has to wake up

a soul directive 

that makes its presence known

just asking for a crumb to appear

an embodiment of a morsel 

a speck of gleam to flash

a half-thought 

of resolve beyond circumstance

I guess I walk in a circle

until the circle wakes me up

is that anything like

what you would do? . . .