under the mask of immediacy

the mask of immediacy is as

the cloudburst of apprehension closes in,

sensory distraction pleads and implores,

make the movie of ongoing life skip pages,

new chapter heading needed save oneself from circumstance,

only good parts on the table for dining,

and no bitter taste facing up, 

waiting for consumption.

wanted to be when pretend is 

the gift of override.

maybe panic is an inner shadow world

but wanted the movie of living 

to have fast and a slow.

wanted to be the privilege 

of editor and audience also.

think of life as candy and the search for it

as our training is such.

gratification has no opposing force 

to dignify.

indulgence is complicating, 

as avoidance is one of its many means.

every rip and tear in the garment of being 

requires needle and thread awareness 

and presence 

to mend the next moment 

into meaning's conveyance,

but wanted what want presents instead.

we are the audience of ourselves 

as we intended.

we make decisions and choices,

not conceive of and create.

wanted next moments 

with pleasing answers.

don't want to pay tribute 

to pain and downfall.

don't want a movie screen 

without action's engagement.

don't want to be witness to ourselves 

as watching.

panic when in the absence 

of audience indulgence

couldn't want to explore 

the inner uneasiness.

don't what to know more than 

for appearance's sake.

who would talk us down 

from our fear of heights?

who would encourage us 

to answer to ourselves?

who has time on their hands 

to help us find our missing parts?

what if awe is not an audience perspective?

who of us, to learn to paint 

in emotional water colors,

to divine each moment 

rather than define it,

to preference courage over chasms 

and kneading over need?

what self intimacy can be brought upon

and where from within 

does this medium arise,

that we would self as witness

to ourselves as means?

from where does the intimacy 

of this self-dialogue arise?

we could wander inwardly, 

looking for self in dialogue

but what would we have to say 

upon meeting?

so where you been 

and how did we get so lost?

we, you and I, need someone 

to introduce us 

to our inner selves.

someone to see past the me, 

but into the me,

like talking to my invisible twin 

in front of me.

to first overhear before my risk to identify,

to eventually have a self conversation

in the presence of another,

while setting the mask of immediacy aside,

to take up the writing of my life

in moments that I used to, 

just be for reading,

to create rather than live to critique,

to have emotions as elixirs of mixture 

and then magic.

for me to be found by me, 

beyond looking's skills.

what an embrace that would be,

having been running from place to place

to discover that besides all of that,

we are each everywhere 

as here arriving.

my invisible twin readily present 

becoming my me,

and what was thought was self-exposure.

there is so much inner dialogue necessary,

to get current with the moment,

to where we don't speak, 

but all is acknowledged,

to my presence having an immediacy 

of source within,

as awareness is a medium 

of intake and output,

embodied and engaged,

to be my own chrysalis, 

ever seeking, 

an environment of being present,

to immerse and to employ . . .