beyond the standardized self

I took this risk that meant nothing,

that was the goal.

get out of meaningful,

stop with the self lip-service 

as if to bribe yourself 

into the next moment,

started watching the mind chatter,

compulsive but empty.

behind the lack of any audience,

there was nothing,

actually richly nothing.

I hadn't considered that as real,

but there was nothing,

a huge expanse of nothing at all.

it was there all of the time,

behind the acoustics of my mind.

there was an authentic presence of nothing.

not empty, not vacant,

just a part of me.

not interested in the think,

or the trickle-down of words,

as if say was the eventual goal.

no, just a disinterested nothing

from the viewpoint of a need for something.

a need for self as preoccupancy,

an audio of conscious inward concern,

a pressed to the glass need 

as self in character?

no, nothing,

not without feeling. 

amplitudes of feeling,

as if emotions unattached 

to topic or storyline.

a reservoir of feeling with less surface

but way more depth

that didn't settle for the safety of words.

somewhat happy to ascend 

into unexplained images,

visuals trying for a cognitive say.

but without the chitchat 

of linear construction,

big widescreen 

unfounded feeling immersions

that didn't do the immediate work

of identifying a me or a self or a rationale.

just a sensory domain with emotional draw,

coming up from deep within me.

yet nothing or certainly out of nothing.

no orientation, no impetus, no driver.

a land that exists without topic as reference.

possibly interfaced with another unexplainable dimension.

I sense it when I'm there, 

but nothing comes clean 

in an otherwise reference sense.

at some point the sense of risk was gone.

there was no one of me 

left back there concerned.

this is as whole as I have ever felt

but without any priority 

to come home to real.

it was never pitched as an either-or.

no place in me 

attempted to regather a sanity.

nothing did not contest.

it is just selectively expansive from within.

it surely is where 

I would like to meet others.

but how that goes-about 

as happening works?

not know, does not react with concern.

in this way, 

happens is not caused by demand.

if it will, it already has

and I was 

just not conscious enough to engage.

but now, nothing is the groundwork 

and witness from within will realize.

nothing is everywhere, 

gifting yet unrealized.

vast has all the heart space 

that expression can handle.

emotions are so wise to be open to this.

I now wonder 

what mindfulness is attending.

life without the context of interpretation,

very slippery to attend.

thought wants to steal its way in.

but I now have a witness

that see nothing for its prominence

and reality for its mindful-addiction.

you just have to go within,

where no words have passage,

where emotion has 

a widescreen skinny-dip invitation

and be before 

it comes to be named or claimed,

by the standardized self of our making . . .