if I get too close

if I get too close to myself, 

I'm indecipherable to me,

as too much culturally designated mirror time,

relative to values and self worth.

I was okay ordering me 

up from the mind-menu in hand.

but to be in response

is close to being in reaction,

and so I get confused.

is it them or me?

was it out there or internal within me?

some things get triggered

in reaction or response.

I liked it better 

when I had the movie of me

and I only had to act out

an easy script to follow.

sort of like I was my own t.v. show.

otherwise, totally unprepared 

to deal with this.

it could be a malaise.

I don't want to say it's depression or despair.

it's some sort of malaise.

probably from chemicals in the air I breathe.

it's like an anxiety 

but I am not anxious, really.

just wandering around,

in my personal want-ads in my head.

looking for a meaningful life.

people say, 'get a grip'.

so I make stuff up

to claim as meaningful.

poof, how long did that last?

then people have said,

'fake it until you make it'.

I liked that one

but not good at what is real to focus on.

I'm cool as an alternate personality of me

but can't land that into truly meaningful.

so what's the deal for being here?

being human?

on this planet?

chaos is so loudly spoken,

like noisy neighbors in my head.

nothing much strikes home.

and when it does,

I get freshly confused. 

once again,

like I said to start with,

if I get too close to myself 

I'm indecipherable to me . . .