fabrication of my-own-ness

every step of approach 

is also a denial of what's already present.

I am affirming absence 

by requesting inclusion.

I make action into advancement

that experience leads me

and also fails me,

and therefore I am in need of more

tidbits and storylines,

perusals and accounts.

all of these as hints towards essence

but not ever the reveal forthcoming.

it is a gift given,

wrapped in layers upon layers,

to make the discovery

that the unwrapping, is the gift.

and there is no endpoint 

to the process of unwrapping.

if I wanted to get to isness

yet I pursue a process of getting to,

how will that skill of getting-to translate

into the talent for isness as a constant

and not ever a continued awareness of its arrival?

for if it arrives,

then I am in receivership

and not wholly of the presence it is.

I am distracted by the concept of inclusion,

which also infers that it was not here before now.

and that my now was unaware

of that which I claim to seek,

not knowing that seeking implies a denial

which keeps me in the search there of.

so that when it arrives, so to speak,

I have trained and been conditioned

to be not suited for its existence,

to have always and ever been there. 

not before but always within me.

what is it of me

that denies in order to pursue

yet the pursuit dulls my sense of being it?

once, by this obscure method,

I sense that I have arrived

only to be disillusioned by my own version

of the self that always was 

but somehow existed to me 

in me as an unknown.

not that my me would ever be the arriving being.

this is where to concept of time exists as interference,

as if there is a then and a now and a future of arrival.

time is a crutch we have created

that keeps us moving in circles 

that are accounted for by time.

as if the crutch defends itself into existence

by our perception in this light.

it is dependent on the lack of it,

ever occurring, 

and riding the cutting edge of that means,

as if time is an assisting help in that process.

so why would I have a perception of being

if it places me in time and space

which were already fabrications 

of my own-ness? . . .