Full Circle, part 2 of 3 * 1/5/13

Sure Sid had other reasons, not even known to himself, but they were there. By now, Michael had been in the force for at least a dozen years and Junior, his middle son, after four years in the military, had come home to an empty life. He too had joined the force and done okay after the adjustment. And for Sid, he truly enjoyed being with them even though they were different jobs and other precincts. Yet unknown to him was his desire to have all his sons be cops. In his father’s tradition, in his tradition. That cap to a wonderful life.Martha knew it. She hated it in every way for herself with her worries but even she had to admit the joy that Sid felt for his family’s closeness and their luck, considering the line of work they all chose for themselves. All Sid was waiting for before retirement was for Ollie, his youngest, to become a man and become a cop. Then..... he could retire to stories his kids would bring him and the advice he would administer. Life would be full. But Sid did not know this of himself until Ollie finally revealed to his father the astonishing news: a street performer! What Martha referred to as a clown. It was right then Sid became fully aware, his last unfinished piece of life’s work. And it descended with such force and rigor that Sid would later have to sit back and think awhile about the last time, (some fifteen years earlier,) he became so violently angry. Both times brought on by surprise. For Ollie had given no previous indications. He had a strong affinity with people and the only one to complete college. Sid expected Ollie to enter the academy, (well that’s the way they do things now,) and make captain before Junior, an ammunitions specialist. And possibly for different reasons, before Michael who also had a love for the streets and his people. Sid expected this all to happen even though he never thought about it. So when his anger had settled, Sid had to take account of himself; sick in bed, going on the fourth month, Junior and Michael by every other day or so and Ollie not around, not a word for weeks about him, he had to say in retrospect and possibly in his own defense, he had principles and he expected his sons to have them too! Sure Martha had initiated that ‘where-did-we-go-wrong’ conversation but only at times when Sid could handle a good ten minutes of discussion before going off the deep end inside himself and not really know why. A year and a half had passed, Sid had to retire. The illness never went away. Home most of the time.  His spirit never really recovered. His health, fallen off. Martha has prepared herself about Sid. Michael has his dad’s old beat. Junior recovered from the explosion. Reassigned to lecturing kids about the dangers of firearms and explosives. Happier with his life and circumstance. Ollie comes by, from time to time. Sees dad for short periods. It is Martha’s wish that Sid make it okay with Ollie. She encourages Ollie to come by, ten or fifteen minutes at a time.  Only one exception. About six months ago, Ollie and Sid had a philosophical crossing of paths and surprisingly no sparks were ignited. Only that time. They sat for almost an hour together. Neither was talking when Martha appeared to motion for Ollie to leave. Sid’s naps could last for hours these days and his memory would seem not to notice. To Sid it was a matter of principles; his life, his lessons, his heritage to his children. That mattered. For Sid it was a particular set of images that came to mind and anything else was .... well a disappointment, then an unexplainable anger with such force,  leaving him confused, defensive and physically drained.For Sid, it’s a joyless patching together of life events, a litany of remembered life-stories that used to feed his flame, but now fall short of a finish. Half stories met by sleep or senselessly matched with other endings straying from their emotional mark. Sid seems away, especially to Martha. She worries less and feels the inevitability of his death. To her, Sid is alone and already buried in his thoughts. Martha has herself changed. Her aloneness does not feed her habit of worry. She is a straight talker now. Her actions are direct and directed. Her love has penetrated the veil of human life. She has made her peace with her boys Michael and Junior and even with Ollie. With Sid, she has survived from within her love not in spite of it.