Someone in me knows

All of my reality

is posterized on the walls

of my self-inhibition.

My spiritual enterprise

is anxiety as a blockade.

Everything I claim as valid

exists as a negative affirmation

reinforcing my heroic memories

as a false notion of escape.

My path

down from the mountain

I aspire towards

is filled with my fear of falling up.

What I remember most about

is where I sit

in yesterday’s reward

for being there.

If I had a gun

for every time I have self doubt

I’d be an army

ready to fight

for all the wrong reasons

and equipped well to do so.

Oh sure, I aim to please

as a way of lessening

my wholehearted effort.

Someone in me knows

and I am hearing them

more clearly

after every repeat performance.

When is my noble cause

more than

an ignominious projection,

now holding me as hostage?

When is this a fending

brought forth

as value justified

by efforts as show?

There is no when

in the now,

it consumes itself.

I have the lungs

of a glass blower

but if my breath is laden

with dark thoughts.

What chance

does that glass of being have

for passing the light on ?

Someone in me knows

and I am hearing them

more clearly

after every repeat performance.

I have been trained, engrained

and acculturated

with attending experientially

to my highs and my lows.

At some place in my person

I am deeply bored

with spectating my life.

I have first person accounts

as if storied memories

fulfilling what is vacant.

I am a full-fledged custodian,

I am full time chaperon,

I am the mental manager,

in a mind field of awareness

and I sense that I am

dimensionally disabled

in my life embrace.

Someone in me knows

and I am hearing them

more clearly

after every repeat performance.